Dog

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As I sat down at dinner, you told me that you would serve me my portion because it's no secret that I have been hunting after food like a dog lately. But don't worry, everyone knows it's because of my medication.

You're infuriated that we are having this conversation right now. I am overreacting. No, you couldn't have said it in a nicer way, because any way you could say it would be misconstrued as judgmental by me. Oh, you're such a horrible father for saying such a thing.

I need to absolve myself of my insecurity and you're not going to do that for me.

Am I some glutton swelling up like a beached whale while everyone pretends otherwise? Do you think I am some sort of moron? That I haven't been trying to stop snacking and remedy it myself?

"Fine, then, have it your way. I'll just buy two pounds of pasta and watch silently for the next eight months as you consume 500 extra calories every meal and balloon up."

There will be no extra portions and no rummaging in the cupboards.

I can't wait until I get fat and you can't stand to look at me. Until you can't stand me, as you never have been able to, but you'll finally have a reason and won't have to pretend anymore.

When I was 7, you told me that if I chewed like that, no man would want to marry me.

When I was 120 pounds in high school, it was because I was afraid to eat at lunch lest people see how disgusting I was and laugh at me.

I had headaches and migraines then from lack of food. Is that what you want?

Who am I skinny for? If I am even still considered skinny.

I remember when you would berate the neighbors, your siblings, your friends for being fat when they weren't around. I grew up knowing that that was something I should never be. We were praised for being skinny.

I will carry on. I am happy because I am everything that disgusts you and I have wonderful people who love me just the way I am.


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